Tomorrow starts my 6th month in Bulgaria. I know
I owe all of you tons of posts but I beseech you to understand just how worn
out I am right now. I returned from a marvelous break to work first shift
(7:15-1.) But so many teachers were out this week that instead of not working
Wednesday and Friday
like I’m not supposed to I got to teach 12 extra classes
and officially get worn down.
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| Sure I can come up with all new lessons in 6 hours! |
Don’t get me wrong readers I loved it. They had me tell the
students that I’d be their sub and every class I told cheered and were very
happy. A huge change from September when I know half my students wanted me
gone. But when they tell me “they need a substitute or they don’t get English”
what am I going to say? No? ARE YOU CRAZY??? These kids need all the exposure
to English they can get and if it means I get a bit sick, or I can’t sleep;
then that’s fine. I just need to make sure they have whatever they need to
succeed. They can do it, they just need hope and consistency.
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| I love Bulgaria! |
Tonight’s post is sad in many ways. It’s hard for me to explain
to people what I do and why I do it. That’s very difficult for me, It’s hard
for me when I talk to my friends or my family and they are counting down the
days to my return as if I will come back the same, or as if I want this to end.
In reality I don’t. I mean yes:
My oven is broken, my hot plate cord looks sketchy, my
washing machine broke, my refrigerator leaks, my freezer doesn’t freeze, my
toaster no longer toasts, my TV is broken, and I haven’t been paid in a month.
But I don’t really care about any of that. I care that today I taught my
students structural functionalism and how it relates to “The Scarlet Letter”
then I had them look at the pillars of society and figure out how they would
create their own “ideal” society. Those students got really involved. Some
debated what age you should have sex or how many kids you should be allowed
fervently, banging desks and swearing because they became so invested and
impassioned by the topic. I’m told all the time how teens are apathetic yet
today they heatedly debated whether or not you should be able to marry someone
of the same gender or not. A touchy subject in Bulgaria yet they were
fantastic. Truly fantastic.
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| We didn't debate Alien Love... |
It’s difficult to explain to my friends and family that I am
coming home in July, but I’m not coming home the person I left as. I’ve
changed, I can’t go back all the way. At my core I’m the same, but so much
about me: how I function, what I believe has developed and I don’t know how to
really get them to understand. Last summer I loved hiding in my room trying to
block out everything that was going on, and now it makes me panic at the idea
of not being out in the world.
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| Bulgaria makes me feel calm |
None of this is easy readers. I have nightmares all the time
that I didn’t make it in time to save my mom last May. I wake up screaming, get
up, pace around, try to sleep and fail. I think my students noticed that I’m
not well rested as two of them gave me a dream catcher for Christmas which I
have hung in my room and look at with pure affection since I can’t believe they
cared so much to give me such a thoughtful gift.
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| I have 450 Important people |
But my CVS is acting up and I am ill every morning now, I go
to teach in pain and at night I am haunted by nightmares. It’s hard that I have
no one close to me here to go to. I broke down crying in the mall on Monday
just trying to cope with everything that is going on at home, everything I have
lost, and yet recognizing everything I have gained here. But with the
recognition of what I have gained comes more anger. So many people I know treat
this year of my life like a hiatus from my “real life,” instead of what it is:
a year of my life. My real life, no sabbatical, no hiatus, just me doing what I
truly want to do. They see my students as temporary “projects” or people who I
will leave in June. But the truth is that I will never really leave them, I
know myself very well and I know I will think about them every day, check in
with them ,return to visit them, host some in America, write letters of
recommendation, anything.
It has been such a hard journey of gaining their trust, or
even just getting them to do homework or care. But we’ve really had some great
breakthroughs in communication, and I refuse to treat them as a temporary state
of existence in my life, or as a project. They aren’t projects, they aren’t people
that I will just say goodbye to. Saying goodbye to them in June will
break my heart, and I know I will spend days grieving my departure home.
♪ I'd stay if I could
But the universe won't let me
So please be good
And don't you forget me. ♫♪
But the universe won't let me
So please be good
And don't you forget me. ♫♪
But it too makes me angry that not everyone cares for my
students as I do. I want to give them the
world, I hate when I can’t do
something for them. I can joke with them, and be snarky, but every day I just
want to take tests for them so they don’t have to worry as much, or I design
lessons to give them a break and help them focus on their free will. These kids
deserve the best and all the time I was away I thought of them when I saw
anything I knew they liked or related to I just wanted to tell them.
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| I've grown into mine here |
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| Even if it's teaching high school |
So I’m sorry friends and family, I know you want me home
sooner, and I know it’s hard for you that I’m away. I am sorry for that and
believe it or not I do believe I am selfish in my journey over here. But I
can’t come home yet, I have 450 amazing reasons to stay no matter how ill I
feel every morning, or how many nightmares I have that I can’t go to anyone
about. I’m not done here, I need to see this through and I am grateful for all
of you who support me in this, who recognize that this is who I am and who I
want to be. And very grateful to all of you who realize this isn’t just a “gap”
year of my life, it’s by far one of the most important years I will ever live and
I think it’s making me a better person. It’s hard being here trying to help all
my students while dealing with everything at home, it’s hard getting out of bed
some days; but I am truly happy here. It’s my home now, and I love it. I truly
do.
I am excited to start my 6th month here, I’m
excited to see what happens and how my students will grow in the next month. I
invite you readers to join in on my adventure and partake in my joy over here.
Just please, do so understanding that I’m not some 23 year old that took a
vacation, I’m having the adventure of my life and every time a student
understands one new thing I teach them I am revitalized that I made the right
decision.
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| Goodbye month 5, Hello month 6! |
Ill be posting tons of updates once I’ve caught up on sleep!
But for tonight your song is “The Goodbye Song” because I had to say goodbye to
so many back home to say “Hello” to so many here.
I loved the 11th Doctor so much and understand his pain now when he must lose his TARDIS, the following is the the clip of her finally getting to say Hello, I never understood how powerful "hello" was until I moved here. <3 Anna
Goodbye Song:
You don't ever need to apologize for the work you are doing. Yes, of course we miss you, but I don't think any of us would ever want to call you back any sooner from achieving your dreams and changing lives. Keep being fabulous, try to rest when you can and take care of your health. Loving you!! xox Cay
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