Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Time Falls Away, But These Small Hours; These Small Hours, Still Remain


Yesterday marked my 3 month anniversary of living in Bulgaria!  I have been living here for one quarter of a year, how incredible is that? I was reflecting on it today and everything that has happened in these 3 months.
How I feel at the end of loooong days at the school!
Keep Moving Forward!
When you think on it the first month is just chaos, I was learning Bulgarian language, and teaching strategies, living in Pravets for half of it then traveling around after barely throwing my stuff into my flat! Month two is like dealing with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, you never get a straight answer to anything, and you are never sure what is going on, you just hope that you can get through and make a differences without hitting exhaustion. But month three is like the settling in point. I know the area, I have a firm grip on my classes and plans to help them improve, I am set in my flat, and all the quirks that you noticed before don’t even register. Yep month three is definitely the month that you feel, “I am here, I am not going anywhere for a long time, and I am beyond ok with that!”

Just keep tuttling through!


However with all of this comes some reflection:

Supporting my students helps me find myself
I never realized just how far I could push myself, or how I could make my self adapt so easily until taking this journey. Students will send me messages at 3 a.m. asking about what major they should do or where they should go and suddenly I am becoming an expert in all of these fields. Not because I am “faking” it, but because I reach out to anyone who can give me an educated answer so that I can help out my students in literally any possible field. But I work around the clock and while I am used to that, this is the first time that I can actually see that it is having a truly positive effect when I see students improving or when I hear them say they are happy.
I miss people, but I'm happy
Christmas pictures make me so happy! It's home!
I thought it would be harder living on my own for the first time. But it’s surprisingly easy. Suddenly it’s my decision when laundry is done or dishes and I love that. I love being able to clean my flat and know it will stay clean, and I love not having to hide my things so that my dad wouldn’t steal them. I love not having to deal with him coming home at night and I just love living alone. Being able to laugh as something really loud without worrying I’ll upset someone, or not being woken up by someone coming in late. It’s really great. It’s pretty easy and it feels like I have been doing this all along.
Never, Never, Quit
No matter how many good days you have, there will always be bad days. Like yesterday when so many of my students didn’t bring in the speeches they had weeks to prepare and instead of being sorry half of them were rude and flippant. And no matter how I dress the staff at my school will always remark how young I look to the point it makes me feel like maybe there is something wrong with that. But you know what? Doesn’t matter if there is, I am here and I am dedicated to my job and if I look young well then I have to remember William Wilberforce’s quote: We are too young to know that some things are impossible, so we will do them anyways.
How i feel I would react if I returned
I thought it would be lonelier over here. In truth I don’t have many friends in my area, mostly just a few teachers who have been lovely but thankfully have also respected my space; and my students. I live alone here, and I don’t really speak the language, try as I may, but it’s not lonely. I miss America right now because the holiday season is my favorite and there are so many fun things to do, but I don’t really miss living there, just those fun events. It feels like living here is what I was always destined to do, and so while I live alone and am alone; there is a tranquility in that, that I can never explain if you haven’t felt it.
I found my favorite food here, it’s this chocolate crepe thing that’s called a pancake and I am obsessed with it. But I am always embarrassed to order it because I can’t figure out how to in Bulgarian, so I reserve it for special moments.
They just don't know it yet!
My students are amazing and make my life. One of them saw my leg was badly hurting me and offered me her shoulder to get down the stairs. While others are just wonderful at reaching out and seeing me as a human and not just an adult sent here to “wreck their lives.” Some classes I barely know any students, while others I can name you most of them and comment on things I notice about their lives. With 450 I never expected to get to know them all, but I am deeply honored and touched that so many of them have allowed me to get to know them as well as they have. I’m here for them, I didn’t have to apply to be an ETA, I wanted to. It’s everything I ever wanted and knowing them will truly be one of the highlights of my life. I wish I could tell them that, I wish I could get them to understand that while I still have to grade them and keep them from going insane, in reality I care most about who they are as people and how I can help them achieve their dreams.
So many said to relax...I never listened!
Being lazy is pretty ok. I spent this last weekend just lounging around getting tons of work done and it was amazing. I’ve literally never just let myself watch an entire season of a TV show (13 episodes!!) while getting work done and just let myself be. I am so used to going like the Energizer bunny that it was weird and very enjoyable. But of course I go straight back to being crazy.
There are days when literally all I can think is “lulzgaria” like when I have my Fulbright visit and they stop talking about me because no one has an issue with me and they think I’m an improvement over past teachers so they start talking about the weather in Bulgarian while I sit there. Or when they won’t give me a classroom for extra lessons and say use the library so when I go to use the library I find out that my librarian is in Turkey on a student trip and I think: 
Always something different!
“What school has a librarian go to Turkey and shuts down the library while she’s away? Who closes a library? Aren’t they supposed to stay open? Why is this what I’m dealing with? Will there ever not be road blocks?” But you have to appreciate the radical difference between what I am used to in America and what happens in Bulgaria. I love having to adapt and just think on my feet; even if it means balancing my backpack on my legs in the air while a janitor mops under my legs on a bench in the hall with two students so I can teach them TOEFL prep.
Literally how I feel when trying to make sense of things here
All in all it has been a marvelous 3 months of great weather, traveling around, bonding with my friends, finding my place at my school, and enjoy the area. I am so glad I have so much time left to enjoy, and can't wait to see what else comes my way!
To almost 8 more months!
Tonight’s song is"Little Wonders" (my second favorite song) because you truly do not appreciate a moment until you look back and see what an impact it has had on your life. I know that I appreciate my time here now, but I also know I will be forever grateful and still discovering things about this time here when I'm in my 80's. 
Anna

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